Tangled Grrl

 I've been giving a lot of thought to this new life I'm living. One where I live alone with my cat in a studio apartment. I thought this would be harder than it is. Don't get me wrong, there have been evenings of extraordinary loneliness. And nights when I could swear I heard my door opening (typically after reading or watching some murdery content.) But when I unlock my door and step into this space, filled with my treasures, the colors I love, surrounded by things I've made - I just feel content.  Walking back into this space after leaving to run errands or walk outside to smoke a cigarette, it strikes me that the smells are all scents I've created. The smell of bread baking in the oven or a meal I've cooked. And I've cooked so much more since moving in here. I don't have to ask any opinions on ingredients or spices. I just make what I want to eat. And then typically live on it for a few days. If it's food I love I have zero qualms eating it for a ...

I have been lost in a world of fantasy lately. In between work, household chores, sleeping and basic living I've been listening to a series of fantasy. And it has been glorious. I get lost in books. Lost in the characters, the worlds. Entranced by the stories and even after they are over, they linger with me for quite some time. My husband has been on second shift for months, so most evenings it is just me, home alone. Home alone with the words of other realms shifting around me as I cook or clean or eat or knit. Adventures, loss, heartache, love and magic as the telling of the tales are played. I'm on book five of my current series. Hours and hours of being captivated. And maybe that's why I dreamed of my mom last night. My mind has been open to the possibilities that only fiction ever leaves you open to. I don't remember how it began or how it ended exactly. But she spoke to me. I have no conscious memory of her words or her voice. But her very presence was so str...

I'm supposed to be getting ready to go to bed. I have to get up early and deal with the rental car that is the fall out of the destroyed tire that was 2019's parting gift to me. Instead I was struck with inspiration. Inspiration always wins out over common sense. I'm not a resolutions type of person. I fall flat in a matter of hours with those stupid things. It feels too much like someone else telling me what to do even though I'm the one who made them. And as soon as I feel too restricted I feel an overwhelming urge to rebel. Also resolutions always feel typical. Sure I could stand to lose weight - but that's not something I'm overly interested in doing. And if people don't want to be around me because I have too many chins or extra rolls around my middle they aren't exactly the type of person I really want to be associated with anyway. I'm a thematic person. I like the idea of choosing a word of the year, or a theme. I'm pretty sure last ye...

I have never been so grateful to see a year end in my entire life. Yesterday I celebrated my third wedding anniversary. Today we celebrate the end of a year and the beginning of a new year. For our young family we traditionally spend these three days celebrating another year of marriage and ending and beginning the year. We spend time together. We don't do big anniversary gifts and we don't attend fancy parties. We have the kids, and sometimes friends, over and we eat junk food and play board games. We play card games and video games and we just celebrate having each other around. I love that we are doing the same again this year. This, like everything else this year, is bittersweet. But I can't wait to say goodbye to 2019 and all that we have gone through this year. I can honestly say that this has been the worst and best year of my life. The worst by far, because I have never suffered so much emotionally, mentally and physically in such a short amount of time. But in ma...

Some days I just can't seem to get my act together. I managed to double book appointments today. I was supposed to be at my pain doctor appointment at 3:45 and at physical therapy at 4:00. I had to call physical therapy as I was walking into check-in at the doctor's to tell them I couldn't make it. I'm sure that didn't go over well, but my pain doctor's office has some pretty strict missed visit policies. I didn't go to work the first two days of this week. I came home from Ohio Sunday night and was not feeling great. I woke up Monday with my head absolutely pounding and my whole body aching and burning. I called off and basically spent the day in bed. I basically did the same thing Tuesday. If I had the PTO to spare, I probably would have spent today at home too, but I went to work. By the time I walked into the doctor's office, I was frazzled and frustrated. My back hurts. My elbow hurts. And I was annoyed at myself for not noticing I'd not onl...

I was thinking while in the shower this morning. I don't know about you, but most of my best, and craziest ideas, come to me while I'm in the shower. Maybe because it's such a routine and mundane task. Or because it's near impossible to multi-task while doing it. Or there's something spiritual about the water or something. But I was thinking about marriage. And my marriage specifically. I woke up this morning after being exhausted yesterday and then not being able to fall asleep. I went to bed and was stuck in that weird state where you're too tired to get up and do anything but you're too awake to actually sleep. My fellow insomniacs can relate. So when I woke up, my husband mentioned he heard me listening to videos on my iPad while trying to get sleepy enough to fall asleep. And then asked if I was going to try to craft myself into exhaustion again today. And I suggested an adventure instead. For those of you who don't know, I'm a bit of a home...

It's been a little while since I've posted any kind of update. I've been in a bit of a blah place lately. We've had some changes on the home front and I've been trying to keep my mind in a decent place. I managed to stay employed, which I think I shared. And I am working on getting adjusted to the new role. The husband has had some changes in his job, and that has caused some financial changes for us, which is just adding insult to injury after everything else this year. But like everything else I face, I'm doing my best to face this too head on. I've learned over the years that I have a tendency to cope with hardship in different ways, some of them healthier than others. Right now I'm struggling a little because I'd like to indulge in retail therapy, but that is absolutely a no go. So I'm digging through my older wardrobe (handy since the weather is changing rapidly and I have an excuse to dig out fall apparel) instead of going out to buy new ...

Today is the day before Independence Day. In the town we live in, they start out the celebration by having a small town parade. By a sheer miracle, my husband and I were kid-less and home together to sit out front and watch the parade this year. The route takes the parade down our street, so we just take a couple of chairs out front and watch. Mom loved parades. When we were little, she would take us to them, more full of excitement than we were. When we were teenagers, she embarrassed the living daylights out of us. She knew the local firemen and police and would be jumping up and down to get them to blare the sirens and horns. And they always would as soon as they saw her. As adults, her sheer enthusiasm was contagious. She was so excited it was hard not to be excited too. She loved the sirens and the horns. She loved the bands, the color guard, the noise. She loved watching kids march along, some bedraggled and obviously overheated. She loved seeing the girls in pretty dresses. Sh...

I chose to not go to the hospital early today. I did another 12.5 hours there yesterday and I'm exhausted. When you've been there through as many shift changes as I have, you start to understand why everyone keeps telling you to take care of yourself, even as you look at them in disbelief. How is that supposed to happen? How are you supposed to be there to see rounds? To question the medication changes, the plans if you're not there? And on the same hand how does your laundry get done, or bills paid or your hair washed if you don't take the time to stay away for a few hours? I'm not sure yet because I tend to do everything with a force of a tornado pushed by a hurricane. I'll figure it out eventually. Yesterday I knew I'd hit a wall so I told Dad I was coming in late today. I needed to do laundry, make calls and wash my hair. So today will, hopefully, be productive at home and not just a hospital day. I'll still worry all morning and feel this draw to le...

 There are days when grief is a bit like a frozen lake. Some days it's protected by a layer of ice that's thick enough to build roads over. Thick enough to travel across and live on. Other days the very air of an exhaled breath will shatter the delicate layers and the grief turns into waves that destroy every semblage of okayness you thought you had built. Suddenly you're back to Day 2. You feel as though you're back to surviving on coffee and Tylenol for crying induced headaches. You're not sure how to sleep or what to do next. Sometimes that feeling lasts for mere moments. Sometimes it's hours. Then just as suddenly your ice is intact again. You can still feel it but it's a little more distant. Those moments are always worse for me in the mornings or at night. It's always the calm moments, the alone moments. Especially the times I would normally reach out to her.  It's dangerous to let my mind wander; that's when I'm transported to the ...

I spent 12.5 hours at the hospital today. My first interaction began at 4am when the nurse called to give me report on my dad's status. He had a really rough night. And once I was up, I may as well stay up, so I got ready and headed down. While on my way I got another call letting me know they were taking him down to CT. I lost count midway through the day how many tests and procedures he had done today. I will tell you that when I left, his vitals were stable, all 6 of his drains were operational, I witnessed my first NG tube placement today and I got to be a patient advocate. I also am a pro at mouth swabs and suctioning the moisture from the mouth swabs. I also know where all of the linens are kept, can wipe down faces like a pro and can stand my ground even when witnessing someone I love in pain or under duress. Nothing tests your strength or your fortitude quite like necessity, but I'm grateful for every second that I am here. That I am able to be here and stand and re...

Tomorrow is Mother's Day. Mother's Day has been a hard one for me for the last 8 years anyway. For anyone who doesn't know, I experienced the loss of three pregnancies and I already have mixed emotions about the day. But I push through them when this day rolls around every year. I now have three stepdaughters so I push through harder, because none of my grief or anger is their fault. And honestly, unless you've experienced such loss, you'll never truly understand the loss of what could have been.  This year is different though. Because just a few days ago I lost my mom suddenly. So this year I'm grieving and I'm grieving hard. One of our family friends equated the loss of a strong and loving mom to the loss of your North Star. I could never have put it so eloquently myself, but it was the most accurate description I've heard. I am the luckiest woman in the world to have been able to call her mom. And I was the last person to speak with her before she c...

Today is Day 11 of my 30 Day Challenge. And it's the first day that I have felt unmotivated. I read The Miracle Morning by Hal Elrod a couple of weeks ago after hearing and seeing a lot of posts on Instagram and videos on YouTube about the life changing effects for so many people. I decided to give it a go myself. I started by looking up Hal Elrod and came across some of his talks on YouTube. I watched a couple of them, then picked up the book. I'm in a transition period right now in my life. I'm still working in Ohio through the week, even though I moved to Indiana after getting married at the beginning of the year. I'm at the point now where I'm researching alternate career paths so that I can find a job closer to home. I want to be able to spend more time with my husband and stepdaughters. I figured this is the best time to really concentrate on personal development. The better my mindset, the more open I am to opportunities, the better my chances are of findin...