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Grief is sneaky

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I woke up crying for the first time in a very long time. I was dreaming. My whole extended family was first in a home that doesn't actually belong to anyone I know, but it was supposed to, and there was all kinds of the normal gossip that surrounds family gatherings. Lots of food. Gatherings in groups. Weird things that should never happen in real life but happen in dreams. Then the scenes changed and all of a sudden the family is all in some type of place for an event. And it seems like a birthday party. But it isn't. But it should be. And there's a disagreement over the treatment of homegrown vegetables and their use as fertilizer in a garden. And then my mom is angry that I won't eat a ham and cheese sandwich my husband got for me. Even though he knows I hate ham and cheese. He got me two different types to try. She says she hates ham and cheese too. And then it hits me that everything is wrong. It's all so wrong. Because my mom loves ham and cheese. And while s…

One Year Later

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I've been dreading this day. I knew today would have a notification that would pop up telling me I had Facebook memories. I knew I wouldn't be able to resist looking. I knew I would cry. And I did exactly that. But I managed to wait until after 8pm to give in. I already knew what the memories would show me.

It was one year ago today that I started living a life that was so much different. One without my mom physically present. Today marks the day that the Facebook memories will start changing. For the next three months I will see memories that will show me the journey that almost took my dad too. And for the last 2 weeks I've been antsy and emotional. Living through a quarantine doesn't help.

I'm not a patient person. And I like to just push through hard things when I can. This is another First. And I want it to be over. I want the next few months to be over too. Mother's Day and Mom and Dad's anniversary and Mom's Birthday. And the Facebook memories th…

Living Through Grief

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I have been lost in a world of fantasy lately. In between work, household chores, sleeping and basic living I've been listening to a series of fantasy. And it has been glorious.

I get lost in books. Lost in the characters, the worlds. Entranced by the stories and even after they are over, they linger with me for quite some time. My husband has been on second shift for months, so most evenings it is just me, home alone. Home alone with the words of other realms shifting around me as I cook or clean or eat or knit. Adventures, loss, heartache, love and magic as the telling of the tales are played. I'm on book five of my current series. Hours and hours of being captivated.

And maybe that's why I dreamed of my mom last night. My mind has been open to the possibilities that only fiction ever leaves you open to. I don't remember how it began or how it ended exactly. But she spoke to me. I have no conscious memory of her words or her voice. But her very presence was so strong…

Word of the Year

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I'm supposed to be getting ready to go to bed. I have to get up early and deal with the rental car that is the fall out of the destroyed tire that was 2019's parting gift to me. Instead I was struck with inspiration. Inspiration always wins out over common sense.

I'm not a resolutions type of person. I fall flat in a matter of hours with those stupid things. It feels too much like someone else telling me what to do even though I'm the one who made them. And as soon as I feel too restricted I feel an overwhelming urge to rebel. Also resolutions always feel typical. Sure I could stand to lose weight - but that's not something I'm overly interested in doing. And if people don't want to be around me because I have too many chins or extra rolls around my middle they aren't exactly the type of person I really want to be associated with anyway.

I'm a thematic person. I like the idea of choosing a word of the year, or a theme. I'm pretty sure last year …

Goodbye 2019

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I have never been so grateful to see a year end in my entire life. Yesterday I celebrated my third wedding anniversary. Today we celebrate the end of a year and the beginning of a new year. For our young family we traditionally spend these three days celebrating another year of marriage and ending and beginning the year. We spend time together. We don't do big anniversary gifts and we don't attend fancy parties. We have the kids, and sometimes friends, over and we eat junk food and play board games. We play card games and video games and we just celebrate having each other around. I love that we are doing the same again this year. This, like everything else this year, is bittersweet. But I can't wait to say goodbye to 2019 and all that we have gone through this year.

I can honestly say that this has been the worst and best year of my life. The worst by far, because I have never suffered so much emotionally, mentally and physically in such a short amount of time. But in man…

Doctor Appointments

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Some days I just can't seem to get my act together. I managed to double book appointments today. I was supposed to be at my pain doctor appointment at 3:45 and at physical therapy at 4:00. I had to call physical therapy as I was walking into check-in at the doctor's to tell them I couldn't make it. I'm sure that didn't go over well, but my pain doctor's office has some pretty strict missed visit policies.

I didn't go to work the first two days of this week. I came home from Ohio Sunday night and was not feeling great. I woke up Monday with my head absolutely pounding and my whole body aching and burning. I called off and basically spent the day in bed. I basically did the same thing Tuesday. If I had the PTO to spare, I probably would have spent today at home too, but I went to work.

By the time I walked into the doctor's office, I was frazzled and frustrated. My back hurts. My elbow hurts. And I was annoyed at myself for not noticing I'd not only m…

Making to Distract

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I've been making a lot of new things lately. I made my first real honest garment this past weekend. A pair of flannel pajama pants. And I sewed another project bag from my scribbled notes, just to see if I could make sense of what I had done last time. And every time I manage to make something new, or create something, or navigate a new skill, I really want to call my mom and tell her about it. It's what I would have done every single time I finished any new project of any complexity. I would have spammed her phone with pictures or FaceTimed her. I would have bored her to tears with the technicalities and she would have let me just because she was proud of the joy it brought me.

And if I'm being honest, most of my surge of creativity is my need for distraction. It's a need to be busy. To stay focused and pour my need to do something into something that has a tangibility to it. So I'm knitting, weaving, sewing and crocheting all of the time. I'm making things f…