Creating Home

 I've been giving a lot of thought to this new life I'm living. One where I live alone with my cat in a studio apartment. I thought this would be harder than it is. Don't get me wrong, there have been evenings of extraordinary loneliness. And nights when I could swear I heard my door opening (typically after reading or watching some murdery content.) But when I unlock my door and step into this space, filled with my treasures, the colors I love, surrounded by things I've made - I just feel content. 

Walking back into this space after leaving to run errands or walk outside to smoke a cigarette, it strikes me that the smells are all scents I've created. The smell of bread baking in the oven or a meal I've cooked. And I've cooked so much more since moving in here. I don't have to ask any opinions on ingredients or spices. I just make what I want to eat. And then typically live on it for a few days. If it's food I love I have zero qualms eating it for a few days in a row. 

I have a dedicated desk. My sewing machines live out in the open. I have books on display. I have projects in process strewn about within easy reach of the couch. Photos and cross stitch on the walls. It feels like it's mine. Is it perfect? Absolutely not. It's not my cabin in the woods with walls of windows and a fireplace - but the interior is filled with the things that bring me joy. 

I was out in search of pillows for my couch today. I saw some I liked and then looked at the price. That's a hard pass - I'm in no way shape or form spending $30-$50 on a SINGLE pillow. So I went to Joann's and bought fabric and two pillow forms. I got the supplies to sew two 20" pillows in fabric I love for less than $40. And I'm stupid excited to start the project. Why am I so excited? Because it's exactly the vibe I wanted. The colors are perfect. And once they're finished - I get to look at them and know I had a vision and I created them. 

I think that's why I find so much joy in the creation. It's about the process of seeing something in my mind, learning the skills to make it happen and then actually living in the finished product. It feels as though part of me resides there. 

Today I ran a million errands. Yesterday I lounged in my sweats and read two complete novels. I have homemade sourdough cooling on a rack in the kitchen right now. For me, this is what content feels like - slowing down and spending time on things that bring me joy. Slowing down and letting myself truly take the time to see what brings me the most joy.

I have always liked being alone. I'm an introvert to my core. I can socialize and talk everyone's ears off - but at the end of the day I'm happiest curled up with a book or knitting. Maybe cross stitch or sewing. Listening to music. In the last couple of months it's become even more apparent to me how much being alone recharges my very spirit. I love my job. I love the complexity, the need to constantly be flexible and creative. I love my coworkers. But being able to live that crazy work day, then come home to silence? It's a lovely feeling.

I do miss seeing the girls regularly. And it was nice to have someone else help do dishes and grocery shopping, but every day I'm here tells me we made the right call. I'm taking the time to get to know myself again being just me. 



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