I'm In a Blah Place

It's been a little while since I've posted any kind of update. I've been in a bit of a blah place lately. We've had some changes on the home front and I've been trying to keep my mind in a decent place. I managed to stay employed, which I think I shared. And I am working on getting adjusted to the new role. The husband has had some changes in his job, and that has caused some financial changes for us, which is just adding insult to injury after everything else this year. But like everything else I face, I'm doing my best to face this too head on.

I've learned over the years that I have a tendency to cope with hardship in different ways, some of them healthier than others. Right now I'm struggling a little because I'd like to indulge in retail therapy, but that is absolutely a no go. So I'm digging through my older wardrobe (handy since the weather is changing rapidly and I have an excuse to dig out fall apparel) instead of going out to buy new stuff. I'm digging out older crafts and working on those instead of giving in to the urge to add to my already impressive stash. And I'm saying no to doing things I know we can't afford no matter how much I want to say yes. Because adulting sucks but we have to do it anyway.

I'm also turning to reading, which I hadn't been doing as much in the last couple of years. I've done a lot of the audiobooks, but not much of the actual words on page thing. I used to drive a lot more than I do now, so now I actually have time for real books and my Kindle. I started actually for real reading more when Dad was in the hospital and I have found that it still brings me just as much joy. Thankfully I have hundreds of books (I'm not exaggerating) on my Kindle, plus many physical books. That gives me plenty to read.

We cut a lot of costs and monthly expenses when I quit my job in Ohio and I found work here in Indiana at the beginning of the year and we cut even more when I took two months off to be with Dad through his hospital stay in Pennsylvania earlier this year. Now we are getting creative. But in a way, it's probably a good thing. We are working together to make it happen. And what doesn't kill you is supposed to make you stronger. By the end of 2019 I damn well better be a superhero complete with a cape if that's true.

My injections in my neck and back did seem to help, but they are done helping now. I have an appointment for an evaluation for physical therapy to see if that does any good. I have a follow up in a few weeks with my pain doctor to evaluate how physical therapy is going. We will determine next steps from there. In the meantime, the fire is raging once more in my neck and back, so that's been fun.

I'm doing my best to look forward, not backward. To be grateful for what I have and to do the best with what I've got. I'm working with every tool in my arsenal and trying like hell not to be cranky. Some days I manage that better than others. I know I do best when I have a manageable list of goals and to do's. So I give myself little goals each day. Even if it's stupid things like doing a load of laundry, or knitting so many rows on a project. I like achievements and progress.

Paying bills pisses me off right now, so instead of doing all of the budgeting and paying them all at once, I just deal with it in pieces. That way it doesn't overwhelm me and turn me into Turbo Bitch. And when the fire in my back is too much, I go lay down for 20 minutes with a book that takes me away to another time and place. I come back to reality and deal with the next small task I've laid out for myself.

I don't want to think about the holidays right now. Not at all. So I'm pretending that it isn't October, that my favorite holidays are not just days away. I'm ignoring them because one of the things I have to give up this year is spending money on decorations. I'm ignoring the family centric ones because I'm in a blah place and I don't want to think about Thanksgiving without Mom's stuffing (which I never ate because I hate stuffing, why make bread stale just to make it soggy?) It's just the simple fact that I wont be cutting up the celery and onions with her. The last two years Mom and Dad came to my house for Thanksgiving because it is hard for me to get away for that holiday. And this year is going to be really tough. So I'm reading and knitting and playing video games with my husband and hanging out with the kids and doing creative budgeting.

I'm mostly ok. Some days are heartbreakingly, horribly awful. But most are not. And we will get through this mess too. Because I am the daughter, sister, wife, stepmom, aunt, niece, granddaughter, friend of amazing wonderful people who have raised me, loved me, taught me and kicked me in the ass all of my life. And we embrace the suck and we beat the odds. I'll just be a bit cranky while I'm doing it.


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