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Showing posts from 2019

Goodbye 2019

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I have never been so grateful to see a year end in my entire life. Yesterday I celebrated my third wedding anniversary. Today we celebrate the end of a year and the beginning of a new year. For our young family we traditionally spend these three days celebrating another year of marriage and ending and beginning the year. We spend time together. We don't do big anniversary gifts and we don't attend fancy parties. We have the kids, and sometimes friends, over and we eat junk food and play board games. We play card games and video games and we just celebrate having each other around. I love that we are doing the same again this year. This, like everything else this year, is bittersweet. But I can't wait to say goodbye to 2019 and all that we have gone through this year. I can honestly say that this has been the worst and best year of my life. The worst by far, because I have never suffered so much emotionally, mentally and physically in such a short amount of time. But in ma

Doctor Appointments

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Some days I just can't seem to get my act together. I managed to double book appointments today. I was supposed to be at my pain doctor appointment at 3:45 and at physical therapy at 4:00. I had to call physical therapy as I was walking into check-in at the doctor's to tell them I couldn't make it. I'm sure that didn't go over well, but my pain doctor's office has some pretty strict missed visit policies. I didn't go to work the first two days of this week. I came home from Ohio Sunday night and was not feeling great. I woke up Monday with my head absolutely pounding and my whole body aching and burning. I called off and basically spent the day in bed. I basically did the same thing Tuesday. If I had the PTO to spare, I probably would have spent today at home too, but I went to work. By the time I walked into the doctor's office, I was frazzled and frustrated. My back hurts. My elbow hurts. And I was annoyed at myself for not noticing I'd not onl

Making to Distract

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I've been making a lot of new things lately. I made my first real honest garment this past weekend. A pair of flannel pajama pants. And I sewed another project bag from my scribbled notes, just to see if I could make sense of what I had done last time. And every time I manage to make something new, or create something, or navigate a new skill, I really want to call my mom and tell her about it. It's what I would have done every single time I finished any new project of any complexity. I would have spammed her phone with pictures or FaceTimed her. I would have bored her to tears with the technicalities and she would have let me just because she was proud of the joy it brought me. And if I'm being honest, most of my surge of creativity is my need for distraction. It's a need to be busy. To stay focused and pour my need to do something into something that has a tangibility to it. So I'm knitting, weaving, sewing and crocheting all of the time. I'm making things

Adventures

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I was thinking while in the shower this morning. I don't know about you, but most of my best, and craziest ideas, come to me while I'm in the shower. Maybe because it's such a routine and mundane task. Or because it's near impossible to multi-task while doing it. Or there's something spiritual about the water or something. But I was thinking about marriage. And my marriage specifically. I woke up this morning after being exhausted yesterday and then not being able to fall asleep. I went to bed and was stuck in that weird state where you're too tired to get up and do anything but you're too awake to actually sleep. My fellow insomniacs can relate. So when I woke up, my husband mentioned he heard me listening to videos on my iPad while trying to get sleepy enough to fall asleep. And then asked if I was going to try to craft myself into exhaustion again today. And I suggested an adventure instead. For those of you who don't know, I'm a bit of a home

I'm In a Blah Place

It's been a little while since I've posted any kind of update. I've been in a bit of a blah place lately. We've had some changes on the home front and I've been trying to keep my mind in a decent place. I managed to stay employed, which I think I shared. And I am working on getting adjusted to the new role. The husband has had some changes in his job, and that has caused some financial changes for us, which is just adding insult to injury after everything else this year. But like everything else I face, I'm doing my best to face this too head on. I've learned over the years that I have a tendency to cope with hardship in different ways, some of them healthier than others. Right now I'm struggling a little because I'd like to indulge in retail therapy, but that is absolutely a no go. So I'm digging through my older wardrobe (handy since the weather is changing rapidly and I have an excuse to dig out fall apparel) instead of going out to buy new

Another First

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Another year older. Another milestone passed. Dad and I were having a conversation the other day that for right now we are having to go through all these new "Firsts." We did the first Mother's Day, her birthday, my sister's birthday, my brother's birthday. Now I've had to do my birthday. I wonder if they will get easier. Because these new firsts? They suck. I was never horribly into birthday celebrations for myself. I prefer to just spend the day doing what I want, which mostly means some type of solitary activity. I want to pick a meal I like, not do dishes and then something crafty or read. I don't need a tiara or expensive gifts. I'm not a big fan of cake and I don't need a surprise party or a room full of people. And this year I really just wanted the day to pass me by. I wanted to get through it as quickly as possible so I could say I survived it. I knew I was going to get a notification of last year's Facebook post by my mom. I kne

Life Update

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I'm so happy it's Friday. This week is yet another in a long line of weeks trying desperately to kick me in the ass. I started my week getting notified of downsizing at work. And I'm one of the ones who had their name drawn out of the sorting hat of downsizing. Or maybe it was chosen by the man behind the curtain? I'm not sure since they aren't saying how we were picked. It doesn't really matter, since once you're on the list, you're on the list. It's a shame that the list isn't one that will send me to the college version of Hogwarts, or to an advanced Jedi school, but I suppose I'll deal with it the same way I deal with everything else - I just do. Yesterday was my first pain doctor appointment. And let's just say after the first few days of turmoil filled fun this week had given me, I wasn't sure how that was going to play out. I got lucky though. This guy isn't a jerk. He also isn't an egotistical maniac. He actually

Random Thoughts

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I don't know about you but I sometimes have most of my most random thoughts when I'm doing menial tasks. I think it's because my hands are busy doing something so routine that my mind is free to ponder and wander. I was getting ready for the day today and I started thinking about the paperwork I still have to fill out for the pain doctor appointment this week. There is a question about whether I have ever been diagnosed with depression. And that question is pissing me off. I'm not sure how to answer it. So I've been avoiding the paperwork. That made me start thinking about the times I've been prescribed mood stabilizers. When I was a teenager, I had issues with anxiety and depression. I'm older now and have the benefit of hindsight and I started thinking about what prompted all of that. I think part of it was the realization of how big the world is and how small each of us are. I know a lot of it was puberty and hormones and not knowing how to deal with em

Medical Updates

I've held off on writing about this, mostly because I was too overwhelmed. Too pissed. Too frustrated. Too sad. Just too everything. Here's my super venty rendition of how much I hate dealing with my medical nonsense. I had my first appointment with my new primary care physician last week. It didn't go super well. I thought parts of it went well, but I'm not a great judge of that, because of my whole new doctor anxiety thing. They checked me in, gave me the normal, tell us all about yourself form, and sent me in to have my vitals checked. I talked to the nurse, explained for the third time that the medications forever linked in my chart from my ER visit are the correct medications, wrong dosages. I explained I needed one of my medications refilled, I only have two days remaining. I even brought in the prescription bottle. I also explained why I had been in the ER and that yes, I had originally made this appointment to see the doctor to get a referral, but things got b

Saturdays

Saturdays are sometimes my hardest days. Those are the days that I used to call Mom for absolutely no reason other than to ask her what she was doing, or ask her how she was feeling. Mostly it was just a good day to reach out and catch up with her. It wasn't unusual for her and Dad to be off doing something with the Club or off to the casino, but she would typically still be around at some point to shoot me a text or to call me back at some point. Right now Saturdays are really hard. Because I have my big MRI coming up and I'm in the middle of another flare up and I really want to talk to my mom. In the middle of the day yesterday, after I finished up some household chores I felt capable of doing, I sat down to rest and I looked over and saw the bag of crochet work I had taken from Mom and Dad's house. It was a project my mom had swiped from my aunt to finish for her. And I took to finish when my mom no longer could. And the tears started. Because this was the kind of day

My Turn as the Patient

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I don't have very many true fears, but I can tell you two of them. One is the feeling of being trapped. I don't have to be in an enclosed space, I just have to feel like I can't escape. I have to feel unsafe and unable to get away. Dad says it's a form of claustrophobia. The other is new doctors. New doctors make my blood pressure go up, they tongue tie me and they, in general, turn me into an idiot. This really only happens when I'm the patient. It's a new problem. One that has only really starting happening in the last five years or so. Why am I anxious, fearful really, of new doctors? Because they hold the power to me getting answers and treatments and they typically don't believe me. I leave there feeling powerless and the size of an ant. So when I have to meet a new doctor my delightful brain starts prepping me the second I walk in the door. I've worked on dealing with this by bringing someone with me to new appointments. I took my dad with me to

Gratitude

I've been trying to think of how to do this for days, weeks maybe. How to express thanks. I've been touched by so many people over the last few months in so many different ways. Who ever thought that you could be so thoroughly heartbroken and yet so thoroughly soaked in a feeling of love that you feel as though your heart was overflowing with it all at the same time? It's possible and it's confusing. I would love to thank you all individually. Hug each of you and let you know in just the right way how much you've touched me. How much you've helped, how your acts of generosity, kindness, time, words, gifts, patience, phone calls, text messages, flowers, presence, hugs, food, conversation, shelter, rides, organization, ideas, etc have somehow impacted my family or I in a big way. But I don't even know who all contributed. And I don't know how to say it in the exact right way. But I sure as hell am going to try. The last three months are a bit of a haze

The Day Mom Almost Liked Shopping

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There aren't a lot of stories about my mom and I shopping. Mostly because my mom was not a fan of shopping. She was not the type to be bored and then beeline for a mall. If she had to buy an outfit for an event, she was going to complain about it more than a little bit before actually leaving the house to go search for it. My cousin got married last October. Mom and I both needed to get something to wear. We decided we were going to go and get something for each of us that made us feel fabulous. I talked her into going to stores that were probably outside of her comfort zone because I promised her that if she was willing to try something new, I would too. We deserved to feel good in what we had on so that we could just be comfortable and enjoy the event. I may have bribed her with the promise of dinner, my treat. We went to a few stores and decided to try White House Black Market. I found several somethings for me and settled on an outfit that cost me entirely too much money, b

So.Much.Crying

I cried at work today. That sums up this week better than anything else I can say. Yesterday I woke up at the time I normally leave for work. Somehow I still managed to make it on time. Today I woke up on time, but got stuck in absolutely atrocious construction traffic and ended up clocking in 16 minutes later than I'm supposed to. For the past week I've been fighting my summer time headache and nerve pain. For whatever reason, I have been getting atrocious nerve pain as soon as the temperature starts to stay in the 80's. Instead of it starting gradually and building to numbness down my left arm in a few weeks or months, it got to that point in one day this year. That's been my companion for almost a week. I've been back at work for not quite three full weeks. I still am trying to figure out what I'm doing again. I barely knew what I was doing before I left. Yesterday I screwed up, and someone pointed it out to me, rather forcefully. So I went to one of the su

Snapshot Memories

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I was going through my phone today updating the photos with some of my contacts. That led me to scroll through my All Photos album, where there are so many memories of Mom. Even the photos that don't have her anywhere in them. I remember the conversations we had about so many of them, because I used to call her every time something funny or annoying happened in my life. I'd send her pictures of the braids my youngest put into my hair. Or pictures of my kids playing outside in the rain and mud. I'd send her pictures of the ridiculousness that is my husband with our cat. I'd send her pictures of whatever crafting project I was working on, or had just finished. I sent her pictures of choir concerts, show choir performances and letters praising the girls on some accomplishment. She may have lived 3 hours away from me, but she was as integral to my every day life as my husband. And she appreciated my husband's Dad jokes and puns in a way few others do. When Mom made a

The Parade

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Today is the day before Independence Day. In the town we live in, they start out the celebration by having a small town parade. By a sheer miracle, my husband and I were kid-less and home together to sit out front and watch the parade this year. The route takes the parade down our street, so we just take a couple of chairs out front and watch. Mom loved parades. When we were little, she would take us to them, more full of excitement than we were. When we were teenagers, she embarrassed the living daylights out of us. She knew the local firemen and police and would be jumping up and down to get them to blare the sirens and horns. And they always would as soon as they saw her. As adults, her sheer enthusiasm was contagious. She was so excited it was hard not to be excited too. She loved the sirens and the horns. She loved the bands, the color guard, the noise. She loved watching kids march along, some bedraggled and obviously overheated. She loved seeing the girls in pretty dresses. Sh

Everything Changes

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Everything has changed. Nothing has changed. That's how I feel about being home. When I drove up to my house, everything looked different. There was an abundance of green that had not been there when I left. I noticed that the speed limit on one of the local roads went up. The highway has been repaved. The annoying construction near work has moved from the left lane to the right lane. All of these seemingly inconsequential things force me to accept that I've been gone from this place for 2 months and the world kept moving. It changed in normal, everyday ways. And I still feel stuck in place. That's the thing about tragedy, loss and long hospital stays. You're so insulated from the outside. Yet the outside keeps moving along. Ready or not, it will slam you in the face with the differences when you emerge. Today was my first day back at work after a 60 day leave. And I was so nervous about going back. What if I forgot everything? What if I just started sobbing at my d

Going Home

I've spent this morning packing up my belongings and cleaning out my car. I'm driving home tomorrow. I'll step foot into my own home for the first time since April 27. I have to go back to work on Monday. And I know I will need time to acclimate myself to normal life. Normal life without my mom. So I will likely be an absolute disaster at times this weekend. And I'm ok with that. I left my dad for the first time last weekend. I went and worked at a trade show with my best friends. And they are a bunch of kind, unique and supportive women. They asked questions, but not too many. I received a ton of love, support, and hugs. And I managed to make it through the entire trip without sobbing. I teared up a few times, but knew I couldn't break down because I had responsibilities. I didn't want to be the crazy vendor crying in the booth and then having to explain why I was crying. I didn't want to have to look at strangers and tell them my mom was gone. And I was