Tangled Grrl

 I've been giving a lot of thought to this new life I'm living. One where I live alone with my cat in a studio apartment. I thought this would be harder than it is. Don't get me wrong, there have been evenings of extraordinary loneliness. And nights when I could swear I heard my door opening (typically after reading or watching some murdery content.) But when I unlock my door and step into this space, filled with my treasures, the colors I love, surrounded by things I've made - I just feel content.  Walking back into this space after leaving to run errands or walk outside to smoke a cigarette, it strikes me that the smells are all scents I've created. The smell of bread baking in the oven or a meal I've cooked. And I've cooked so much more since moving in here. I don't have to ask any opinions on ingredients or spices. I just make what I want to eat. And then typically live on it for a few days. If it's food I love I have zero qualms eating it for a ...

 My mind is swirling with words again. So much has happened in the last few months that I often wonder if I have time to breathe. November 15 I said out loud I wanted a divorce. I applied for an apartment the same day. I moved out on December 10. Since then my life has been filled with changes and decisions. My job has kept me plenty busy as well.  I've always liked being alone. It's the way I have been able to feel energized again. I love people, but I love them the most when I get time away. And this is the first time in my entire life I have ever lived alone.  It's been an interesting journey so far. There have been nights of loneliness. Moments where the silence was too loud and I wanted to drown it with the sounds of others. Random musings, the sound of drawers being opened and closed. Sighs. Footsteps. And I realized I craved those sounds only because I was uncomfortable and wanted to be able to blame my bad mood on someone else. That night I leaned into the lonely....

  I haven’t wanted to write in months. I’m not sure I want to now, but I need to do so.   I want to buy a fancy, red, lacy gown. I want to pay someone to make my face and my hair sexy and take photographs that will suddenly allow me to embrace this body.  I walked a 5k today. I’ve closed all of the rings on my watch since Monday. I stopped exercising for 6 months. Gave up on eating well. I gained all of my weight back plus and extra 10 lbs.  So I work out again. Try to make better meal choices. Push my body to do more, faster. Daily weigh ins for 6 days. Such small, incremental changes.  I want to rush this as much I want to rush everything. A list and a task that can be crossed off. A hit of dopamine. Did you know you get a hit of dopamine every time you achieve a goal? That’s what I’ve been told. It’s addicting. A drug that exists inside your own body free for the taking.  I took a nap today and woke up in tears. I was dreaming of my mom. Hugging my mom a...

 We've hit that time of year again. I survived the second anniversary of Mom's death. And now my Facebook memories are starting with the constant updates of Dad's progression through the hospital. From now until July I will be reminded on a continual basis of That Time. I could just not look at the reminders, but I won't. It's like poking a bruise. You know it will ache, that the poke will make the throbbing more intense, yet you can't seem to stop pestering it. Just to make sure it's still real. It isn't just discoloration - the hurt goes deeper than the surface. You have to be sure it causes pain. Looking back now will still bring me to tears. I still miss mom every day. The hole she left behind isn't so jagged any more. Maybe all of those tears smoothed away the worst of the sharpness and made it easier to bear. Or maybe just living each day one after another forces you to accept the changes.  I went back and read some of my writing from the early...

 There are words swirling in my head. Twisting and twirling Drifting like the snowflakes On the gusts outside. There is a sense of melancholy  Wrapped in anticipation. Pictures forming of what might have been What could have been Maybe even what should have been. Fully formed for mere moments Then eroded  The footsteps through the snow. I look at my reflection and I see I see what they see. Just enough of you to wonder. To remember and to wish Memories that will flash and be captured A perfectly formed snowflake  Caught on a sleeve Melting into a drop of water. Almost recognized, almost seen Becoming some other thing. Smiles, hugs Laughter. The day after. Unable to hold on to those snapshots of yesterday. I miss you the most on days after When the wind blows When others look at me And look for you. An ache of what we all lost. That we had to give you back too soon.

 Y'all I am NOT in the Christmas spirit. I am cranky. Yesterday was a gloriously beautiful day. My perfect kind of day. Sunny but not eye searing sunny. Breezy and chilly. The kind of day that lets you mix sneakers and wool accessories and be comfortable. But I was at work so I worked. Then came home and did what felt like a zillion household chores. I had made a to do list on my lunch break. And it made me more than a little cranky. I've been asked what I want for Christmas. What do I want for Christmas? I want a maid. I want to come home and my dishes to magically already be clean. I want laundry to not be sitting in the dryer or in baskets in the laundry room. I want the clutter to already be organized and put away. I want space for bookshelves. I want to not have decision fatigue and it rear its ugly head when I'm asked yet again what the plan is for dinners this week.  Adulting is hard. And yet I'm beyond lucky to have a roof over my head and a job to go to every d...

 My primary coping mechanism is Compartmentalizing. My conscious mind is full of neat little shapes that fit the areas of my life. Family occupies their shape, friends have theirs, work has another, the books I read have their own area, my crafts another, emotions that belong solely to me have another that is somewhere in the middle. There are other areas I'm probably forgetting. The borders are not thick and impenetrable. There are air holes allowing some crossover. If I picture what this would look like to an outsider it's somewhere between a Zentangle and a Tetris board.  During my normal day to day life, I jump back and forth between these areas, problem solving and feeling and planning. But if I have to focus on one or the other I tend to do my best to shove the other areas back in their predetermined spaces so I deal with the area in front of my face. If I need to work through a problem, I like to do mindless tasks so my brain can untangle problems. I knit or clean or or...

 I woke up this morning and I just feel tired. Tired in my bones. I'm on another quarantine. And I'm here to tell you that I'm straight out over it. I'm a homebody by nature. My hobbies and interests are primarily solitary activities that require no social interaction. I like nothing better than reading a good book or crafting something with yarn or thread. I have a stash of crafting supplies that is almost  embarrassing. I have the luxury of being able to work from home when needed. So when one of my children got sick, I was exposed to her and we are waiting on test results and a quarantine was decided to be the best bet - it's not really that big of a deal, right? Well you would think not. Except the second I'm told I can't, or shouldn't do something, my desire to be contrary rises to the surface and all of a sudden I come up with eleventy billion reasons to leave my house. It's like that teenage rebellion was never completely squelched. I've d...

I woke up crying for the first time in a very long time. I was dreaming. My whole extended family was first in a home that doesn't actually belong to anyone I know, but it was supposed to, and there was all kinds of the normal gossip that surrounds family gatherings. Lots of food. Gatherings in groups. Weird things that should never happen in real life but happen in dreams. Then the scenes changed and all of a sudden the family is all in some type of place for an event. And it seems like a birthday party. But it isn't. But it should be. And there's a disagreement over the treatment of homegrown vegetables and their use as fertilizer in a garden. And then my mom is angry that I won't eat a ham and cheese sandwich my husband got for me. Even though he knows I hate ham and cheese. He got me two different types to try. She says she hates ham and cheese too. And then it hits me that everything is wrong. It's all so wrong. Because my mom loves ham and cheese. And while sh...

I've been dreading this day. I knew today would have a notification that would pop up telling me I had Facebook memories. I knew I wouldn't be able to resist looking. I knew I would cry. And I did exactly that. But I managed to wait until after 8pm to give in. I already knew what the memories would show me. It was one year ago today that I started living a life that was so much different. One without my mom physically present. Today marks the day that the Facebook memories will start changing. For the next three months I will see memories that will show me the journey that almost took my dad too. And for the last 2 weeks I've been antsy and emotional. Living through a quarantine doesn't help. I'm not a patient person. And I like to just push through hard things when I can. This is another First. And I want it to be over. I want the next few months to be over too. Mother's Day and Mom and Dad's anniversary and Mom's Birthday. And the Facebook memories...

I have been lost in a world of fantasy lately. In between work, household chores, sleeping and basic living I've been listening to a series of fantasy. And it has been glorious. I get lost in books. Lost in the characters, the worlds. Entranced by the stories and even after they are over, they linger with me for quite some time. My husband has been on second shift for months, so most evenings it is just me, home alone. Home alone with the words of other realms shifting around me as I cook or clean or eat or knit. Adventures, loss, heartache, love and magic as the telling of the tales are played. I'm on book five of my current series. Hours and hours of being captivated. And maybe that's why I dreamed of my mom last night. My mind has been open to the possibilities that only fiction ever leaves you open to. I don't remember how it began or how it ended exactly. But she spoke to me. I have no conscious memory of her words or her voice. But her very presence was so str...

I'm supposed to be getting ready to go to bed. I have to get up early and deal with the rental car that is the fall out of the destroyed tire that was 2019's parting gift to me. Instead I was struck with inspiration. Inspiration always wins out over common sense. I'm not a resolutions type of person. I fall flat in a matter of hours with those stupid things. It feels too much like someone else telling me what to do even though I'm the one who made them. And as soon as I feel too restricted I feel an overwhelming urge to rebel. Also resolutions always feel typical. Sure I could stand to lose weight - but that's not something I'm overly interested in doing. And if people don't want to be around me because I have too many chins or extra rolls around my middle they aren't exactly the type of person I really want to be associated with anyway. I'm a thematic person. I like the idea of choosing a word of the year, or a theme. I'm pretty sure last ye...

I have never been so grateful to see a year end in my entire life. Yesterday I celebrated my third wedding anniversary. Today we celebrate the end of a year and the beginning of a new year. For our young family we traditionally spend these three days celebrating another year of marriage and ending and beginning the year. We spend time together. We don't do big anniversary gifts and we don't attend fancy parties. We have the kids, and sometimes friends, over and we eat junk food and play board games. We play card games and video games and we just celebrate having each other around. I love that we are doing the same again this year. This, like everything else this year, is bittersweet. But I can't wait to say goodbye to 2019 and all that we have gone through this year. I can honestly say that this has been the worst and best year of my life. The worst by far, because I have never suffered so much emotionally, mentally and physically in such a short amount of time. But in ma...

Some days I just can't seem to get my act together. I managed to double book appointments today. I was supposed to be at my pain doctor appointment at 3:45 and at physical therapy at 4:00. I had to call physical therapy as I was walking into check-in at the doctor's to tell them I couldn't make it. I'm sure that didn't go over well, but my pain doctor's office has some pretty strict missed visit policies. I didn't go to work the first two days of this week. I came home from Ohio Sunday night and was not feeling great. I woke up Monday with my head absolutely pounding and my whole body aching and burning. I called off and basically spent the day in bed. I basically did the same thing Tuesday. If I had the PTO to spare, I probably would have spent today at home too, but I went to work. By the time I walked into the doctor's office, I was frazzled and frustrated. My back hurts. My elbow hurts. And I was annoyed at myself for not noticing I'd not onl...

I've been making a lot of new things lately. I made my first real honest garment this past weekend. A pair of flannel pajama pants. And I sewed another project bag from my scribbled notes, just to see if I could make sense of what I had done last time. And every time I manage to make something new, or create something, or navigate a new skill, I really want to call my mom and tell her about it. It's what I would have done every single time I finished any new project of any complexity. I would have spammed her phone with pictures or FaceTimed her. I would have bored her to tears with the technicalities and she would have let me just because she was proud of the joy it brought me. And if I'm being honest, most of my surge of creativity is my need for distraction. It's a need to be busy. To stay focused and pour my need to do something into something that has a tangibility to it. So I'm knitting, weaving, sewing and crocheting all of the time. I'm making things...

I was thinking while in the shower this morning. I don't know about you, but most of my best, and craziest ideas, come to me while I'm in the shower. Maybe because it's such a routine and mundane task. Or because it's near impossible to multi-task while doing it. Or there's something spiritual about the water or something. But I was thinking about marriage. And my marriage specifically. I woke up this morning after being exhausted yesterday and then not being able to fall asleep. I went to bed and was stuck in that weird state where you're too tired to get up and do anything but you're too awake to actually sleep. My fellow insomniacs can relate. So when I woke up, my husband mentioned he heard me listening to videos on my iPad while trying to get sleepy enough to fall asleep. And then asked if I was going to try to craft myself into exhaustion again today. And I suggested an adventure instead. For those of you who don't know, I'm a bit of a home...

It's been a little while since I've posted any kind of update. I've been in a bit of a blah place lately. We've had some changes on the home front and I've been trying to keep my mind in a decent place. I managed to stay employed, which I think I shared. And I am working on getting adjusted to the new role. The husband has had some changes in his job, and that has caused some financial changes for us, which is just adding insult to injury after everything else this year. But like everything else I face, I'm doing my best to face this too head on. I've learned over the years that I have a tendency to cope with hardship in different ways, some of them healthier than others. Right now I'm struggling a little because I'd like to indulge in retail therapy, but that is absolutely a no go. So I'm digging through my older wardrobe (handy since the weather is changing rapidly and I have an excuse to dig out fall apparel) instead of going out to buy new ...

Another year older. Another milestone passed. Dad and I were having a conversation the other day that for right now we are having to go through all these new "Firsts." We did the first Mother's Day, her birthday, my sister's birthday, my brother's birthday. Now I've had to do my birthday. I wonder if they will get easier. Because these new firsts? They suck. I was never horribly into birthday celebrations for myself. I prefer to just spend the day doing what I want, which mostly means some type of solitary activity. I want to pick a meal I like, not do dishes and then something crafty or read. I don't need a tiara or expensive gifts. I'm not a big fan of cake and I don't need a surprise party or a room full of people. And this year I really just wanted the day to pass me by. I wanted to get through it as quickly as possible so I could say I survived it. I knew I was going to get a notification of last year's Facebook post by my mom. I kne...

I'm so happy it's Friday. This week is yet another in a long line of weeks trying desperately to kick me in the ass. I started my week getting notified of downsizing at work. And I'm one of the ones who had their name drawn out of the sorting hat of downsizing. Or maybe it was chosen by the man behind the curtain? I'm not sure since they aren't saying how we were picked. It doesn't really matter, since once you're on the list, you're on the list. It's a shame that the list isn't one that will send me to the college version of Hogwarts, or to an advanced Jedi school, but I suppose I'll deal with it the same way I deal with everything else - I just do. Yesterday was my first pain doctor appointment. And let's just say after the first few days of turmoil filled fun this week had given me, I wasn't sure how that was going to play out. I got lucky though. This guy isn't a jerk. He also isn't an egotistical maniac. He actually...

I don't know about you but I sometimes have most of my most random thoughts when I'm doing menial tasks. I think it's because my hands are busy doing something so routine that my mind is free to ponder and wander. I was getting ready for the day today and I started thinking about the paperwork I still have to fill out for the pain doctor appointment this week. There is a question about whether I have ever been diagnosed with depression. And that question is pissing me off. I'm not sure how to answer it. So I've been avoiding the paperwork. That made me start thinking about the times I've been prescribed mood stabilizers. When I was a teenager, I had issues with anxiety and depression. I'm older now and have the benefit of hindsight and I started thinking about what prompted all of that. I think part of it was the realization of how big the world is and how small each of us are. I know a lot of it was puberty and hormones and not knowing how to deal with em...