2023 Musings

 My mind is swirling with words again. So much has happened in the last few months that I often wonder if I have time to breathe. November 15 I said out loud I wanted a divorce. I applied for an apartment the same day. I moved out on December 10. Since then my life has been filled with changes and decisions. My job has kept me plenty busy as well. 

I've always liked being alone. It's the way I have been able to feel energized again. I love people, but I love them the most when I get time away. And this is the first time in my entire life I have ever lived alone. 

It's been an interesting journey so far. There have been nights of loneliness. Moments where the silence was too loud and I wanted to drown it with the sounds of others. Random musings, the sound of drawers being opened and closed. Sighs. Footsteps. And I realized I craved those sounds only because I was uncomfortable and wanted to be able to blame my bad mood on someone else. That night I leaned into the lonely. I forced myself to say out loud that I was feeling lonely and cranky. But I made the choice to be here. I made the choice to live in a studio apartment with only my very obnoxious cat for regular company. And after awhile I settled into the lonely in a new way. 

I've had moments in the last couple of months that will likely stay as crystal clear memories for a very long time. Standing outside on the front porch of my sister's house during an awful winter storm. I was alone then too, the weather stopping travel from being possible. And I stood there with the wind blowing snowflakes into swirls on my face. Little kisses on my eyelashes as the temperature kept plummeting. I remember my face and hands quickly feeling too cold. But the silence created by snow is one I crave. The only real sounds were that of wind, but even that was muffled by the snow. 

I stood outside alone another day at that precise moment when the moisture in the air is too heavy and the rain starts. You feel it first. Then you smell it. Then you hear it. Those are the moments that can be a special kind of magic. There will always be something in my soul that is soothed by nature and solitude. 

I will be filing for divorce in the upcoming weeks. And the last few weeks have shown me that was exactly the right call for both him and I. I always said I'd rather still love him and divorce him than stay married and hate him. Separation has actually made getting along a much smoother process. And we do love each other. We are just not good partners for one another. I jokingly told him earlier this week that I feel like we're better at divorce than we ever were at marriage. 

I don't regret getting married. And I don't regret deciding to separate. Changing any of those things would have likely led me to a much different place than the one I'm sitting in now. And I've never felt so confident or content as I do now. It is simply another experience, one that you can regret or learn from, and I will choose the lesson every single time. Moving forward in this way allows me to continue to foster my relationship with the girls. It allows me to still hang out with all of them in a place of love, acceptance, and appreciation. I don't believe we would have continued to manage that if we stayed married. 

It's also slapped me in the face with the realization that I'm excellent at people pleasing, right up until I feel myself get lost. Then I become withdrawn and sullen. Instead I need to figure out what makes ME happy and learn to put boundaries in place to protect that. I'm working on it.

Even with all of the stress surrounding me the last few months, I feel more settled in myself than I would have thought possible. I feel like that is the best way to finish out my 30's. I have a little less than 8 months before I get to enter a whole new decade. And I'm doing it my way.