Grief is sneaky

I woke up crying for the first time in a very long time. I was dreaming. My whole extended family was first in a home that doesn't actually belong to anyone I know, but it was supposed to, and there was all kinds of the normal gossip that surrounds family gatherings. Lots of food. Gatherings in groups. Weird things that should never happen in real life but happen in dreams. Then the scenes changed and all of a sudden the family is all in some type of place for an event. And it seems like a birthday party. But it isn't. But it should be. And there's a disagreement over the treatment of homegrown vegetables and their use as fertilizer in a garden. And then my mom is angry that I won't eat a ham and cheese sandwich my husband got for me. Even though he knows I hate ham and cheese. He got me two different types to try. She says she hates ham and cheese too. And then it hits me that everything is wrong. It's all so wrong. Because my mom loves ham and cheese. And while she would absolutely mean whisper to tell me to pretend to enjoy it and be grateful she wouldn't be this cruel about it. And next thing you know everyone is yelling Surprise at mom and there are cameras and phones and then it feels like everything has moved to a zoom conference because Mom has disappeared and there are just screams and wails of utter agony and grief echoing. Echoing everywhere and all of the little pictures of all of the people who were there, all of the people screaming Mom and Lisa are disappearing and I wake up screaming Mom in my head so loud that my actual chest hurt when I jolted awake. And now I can't stop crying and I can't stop hearing myself screaming Mom in my head in actual terror. 

And that is how sneaky grief is. One minute you're asleep and the next your past and present are tangled together and your brain is someone convinced that your dead mother is in mortal danger and you're basically having a panic attack at almost 2am on a Friday night/Saturday morning. 

On a much happier note - today is my sister's actual birthday, so go wish her a happy one. She deserves it for birthing 4 of my 7 favorite children. 


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