Tangled Grrl

 We've hit that time of year again. I survived the second anniversary of Mom's death. And now my Facebook memories are starting with the constant updates of Dad's progression through the hospital. From now until July I will be reminded on a continual basis of That Time. I could just not look at the reminders, but I won't. It's like poking a bruise. You know it will ache, that the poke will make the throbbing more intense, yet you can't seem to stop pestering it. Just to make sure it's still real. It isn't just discoloration - the hurt goes deeper than the surface. You have to be sure it causes pain. Looking back now will still bring me to tears. I still miss mom every day. The hole she left behind isn't so jagged any more. Maybe all of those tears smoothed away the worst of the sharpness and made it easier to bear. Or maybe just living each day one after another forces you to accept the changes.  I went back and read some of my writing from the early...

 Y'all I am NOT in the Christmas spirit. I am cranky. Yesterday was a gloriously beautiful day. My perfect kind of day. Sunny but not eye searing sunny. Breezy and chilly. The kind of day that lets you mix sneakers and wool accessories and be comfortable. But I was at work so I worked. Then came home and did what felt like a zillion household chores. I had made a to do list on my lunch break. And it made me more than a little cranky. I've been asked what I want for Christmas. What do I want for Christmas? I want a maid. I want to come home and my dishes to magically already be clean. I want laundry to not be sitting in the dryer or in baskets in the laundry room. I want the clutter to already be organized and put away. I want space for bookshelves. I want to not have decision fatigue and it rear its ugly head when I'm asked yet again what the plan is for dinners this week.  Adulting is hard. And yet I'm beyond lucky to have a roof over my head and a job to go to every d...

I woke up crying for the first time in a very long time. I was dreaming. My whole extended family was first in a home that doesn't actually belong to anyone I know, but it was supposed to, and there was all kinds of the normal gossip that surrounds family gatherings. Lots of food. Gatherings in groups. Weird things that should never happen in real life but happen in dreams. Then the scenes changed and all of a sudden the family is all in some type of place for an event. And it seems like a birthday party. But it isn't. But it should be. And there's a disagreement over the treatment of homegrown vegetables and their use as fertilizer in a garden. And then my mom is angry that I won't eat a ham and cheese sandwich my husband got for me. Even though he knows I hate ham and cheese. He got me two different types to try. She says she hates ham and cheese too. And then it hits me that everything is wrong. It's all so wrong. Because my mom loves ham and cheese. And while sh...

I've been dreading this day. I knew today would have a notification that would pop up telling me I had Facebook memories. I knew I wouldn't be able to resist looking. I knew I would cry. And I did exactly that. But I managed to wait until after 8pm to give in. I already knew what the memories would show me. It was one year ago today that I started living a life that was so much different. One without my mom physically present. Today marks the day that the Facebook memories will start changing. For the next three months I will see memories that will show me the journey that almost took my dad too. And for the last 2 weeks I've been antsy and emotional. Living through a quarantine doesn't help. I'm not a patient person. And I like to just push through hard things when I can. This is another First. And I want it to be over. I want the next few months to be over too. Mother's Day and Mom and Dad's anniversary and Mom's Birthday. And the Facebook memories...

I have never been so grateful to see a year end in my entire life. Yesterday I celebrated my third wedding anniversary. Today we celebrate the end of a year and the beginning of a new year. For our young family we traditionally spend these three days celebrating another year of marriage and ending and beginning the year. We spend time together. We don't do big anniversary gifts and we don't attend fancy parties. We have the kids, and sometimes friends, over and we eat junk food and play board games. We play card games and video games and we just celebrate having each other around. I love that we are doing the same again this year. This, like everything else this year, is bittersweet. But I can't wait to say goodbye to 2019 and all that we have gone through this year. I can honestly say that this has been the worst and best year of my life. The worst by far, because I have never suffered so much emotionally, mentally and physically in such a short amount of time. But in ma...

I've been making a lot of new things lately. I made my first real honest garment this past weekend. A pair of flannel pajama pants. And I sewed another project bag from my scribbled notes, just to see if I could make sense of what I had done last time. And every time I manage to make something new, or create something, or navigate a new skill, I really want to call my mom and tell her about it. It's what I would have done every single time I finished any new project of any complexity. I would have spammed her phone with pictures or FaceTimed her. I would have bored her to tears with the technicalities and she would have let me just because she was proud of the joy it brought me. And if I'm being honest, most of my surge of creativity is my need for distraction. It's a need to be busy. To stay focused and pour my need to do something into something that has a tangibility to it. So I'm knitting, weaving, sewing and crocheting all of the time. I'm making things...

I was thinking while in the shower this morning. I don't know about you, but most of my best, and craziest ideas, come to me while I'm in the shower. Maybe because it's such a routine and mundane task. Or because it's near impossible to multi-task while doing it. Or there's something spiritual about the water or something. But I was thinking about marriage. And my marriage specifically. I woke up this morning after being exhausted yesterday and then not being able to fall asleep. I went to bed and was stuck in that weird state where you're too tired to get up and do anything but you're too awake to actually sleep. My fellow insomniacs can relate. So when I woke up, my husband mentioned he heard me listening to videos on my iPad while trying to get sleepy enough to fall asleep. And then asked if I was going to try to craft myself into exhaustion again today. And I suggested an adventure instead. For those of you who don't know, I'm a bit of a home...

It's been a little while since I've posted any kind of update. I've been in a bit of a blah place lately. We've had some changes on the home front and I've been trying to keep my mind in a decent place. I managed to stay employed, which I think I shared. And I am working on getting adjusted to the new role. The husband has had some changes in his job, and that has caused some financial changes for us, which is just adding insult to injury after everything else this year. But like everything else I face, I'm doing my best to face this too head on. I've learned over the years that I have a tendency to cope with hardship in different ways, some of them healthier than others. Right now I'm struggling a little because I'd like to indulge in retail therapy, but that is absolutely a no go. So I'm digging through my older wardrobe (handy since the weather is changing rapidly and I have an excuse to dig out fall apparel) instead of going out to buy new ...

Another year older. Another milestone passed. Dad and I were having a conversation the other day that for right now we are having to go through all these new "Firsts." We did the first Mother's Day, her birthday, my sister's birthday, my brother's birthday. Now I've had to do my birthday. I wonder if they will get easier. Because these new firsts? They suck. I was never horribly into birthday celebrations for myself. I prefer to just spend the day doing what I want, which mostly means some type of solitary activity. I want to pick a meal I like, not do dishes and then something crafty or read. I don't need a tiara or expensive gifts. I'm not a big fan of cake and I don't need a surprise party or a room full of people. And this year I really just wanted the day to pass me by. I wanted to get through it as quickly as possible so I could say I survived it. I knew I was going to get a notification of last year's Facebook post by my mom. I kne...

Saturdays are sometimes my hardest days. Those are the days that I used to call Mom for absolutely no reason other than to ask her what she was doing, or ask her how she was feeling. Mostly it was just a good day to reach out and catch up with her. It wasn't unusual for her and Dad to be off doing something with the Club or off to the casino, but she would typically still be around at some point to shoot me a text or to call me back at some point. Right now Saturdays are really hard. Because I have my big MRI coming up and I'm in the middle of another flare up and I really want to talk to my mom. In the middle of the day yesterday, after I finished up some household chores I felt capable of doing, I sat down to rest and I looked over and saw the bag of crochet work I had taken from Mom and Dad's house. It was a project my mom had swiped from my aunt to finish for her. And I took to finish when my mom no longer could. And the tears started. Because this was the kind of day...

Today is the day before Independence Day. In the town we live in, they start out the celebration by having a small town parade. By a sheer miracle, my husband and I were kid-less and home together to sit out front and watch the parade this year. The route takes the parade down our street, so we just take a couple of chairs out front and watch. Mom loved parades. When we were little, she would take us to them, more full of excitement than we were. When we were teenagers, she embarrassed the living daylights out of us. She knew the local firemen and police and would be jumping up and down to get them to blare the sirens and horns. And they always would as soon as they saw her. As adults, her sheer enthusiasm was contagious. She was so excited it was hard not to be excited too. She loved the sirens and the horns. She loved the bands, the color guard, the noise. She loved watching kids march along, some bedraggled and obviously overheated. She loved seeing the girls in pretty dresses. Sh...

I've spent this morning packing up my belongings and cleaning out my car. I'm driving home tomorrow. I'll step foot into my own home for the first time since April 27. I have to go back to work on Monday. And I know I will need time to acclimate myself to normal life. Normal life without my mom. So I will likely be an absolute disaster at times this weekend. And I'm ok with that. I left my dad for the first time last weekend. I went and worked at a trade show with my best friends. And they are a bunch of kind, unique and supportive women. They asked questions, but not too many. I received a ton of love, support, and hugs. And I managed to make it through the entire trip without sobbing. I teared up a few times, but knew I couldn't break down because I had responsibilities. I didn't want to be the crazy vendor crying in the booth and then having to explain why I was crying. I didn't want to have to look at strangers and tell them my mom was gone. And I was ...

Some days are harder than others. Some moments are harder than others. Sad moments and happy moments are the hardest. The times when you would naturally reach out for the person who knows you the best. When you would immediately call your mom to share your sorrows or your joy. She would just know what to say. She would have the right inflection, the right words. She would respond in every right way to make you feel like you deserved to be on cloud nine. Or that you could survive this setback. Because she made you. She already understands the flaws, the minutiae that makes up your thoughts. Yesterday one of the nurses told us that although Dad's chances after he was admitted were 50/50, in her experience only about 20% of patients in that shape actually make it to where he's at. And today he was actually cleared to have a liquid diet. That's such a major accomplishment. And all I want to do is call my mom and tell her. I want to hear the elation in her voice when I explain...

I was talking to my cousin the other day about the ability to picture a finished project in your mind before it's done. He works in the construction business and was telling us about a client that paid to have a door and window installed, bricked in, then paid to have it pulled back out because she decided she didn't like it after it was completed. She couldn't picture the finished product in her mind without seeing it fully finished in front of her. Even with all that technology can now offer, some people simply can't see  without the physical proof in front of them. I don't normally have that problem. I may have to swatch my knitting to see how two colors will look mixed together, or do small swatches with stitch patterns to see how a variegated will play with a texture, but the overall I can normally then picture. I can see the finished picture in my mind when I get an idea for a design for a room. I can shop around and spend months picking out furniture, curta...

This morning I woke up with a headache. Not a migraine, but one of those annoying ones that tries to drive you slightly mad with pounding. But I go to the hospital every day. So I went back to sleep for a little while, made some lists of things that I know I still need to get done, and tried to will it away before I resorted to taking anything. Then I succumbed, ate something, took meds and even went ahead and put contacts in so I could wear sunglasses since meds weren't completely effective. The city had some bike/walk/run thing going on today and part of my normal drive to the hospital was shut down, so it took me longer than normal to get there. My sister is visiting this weekend, so she was already down there to see my dad with my aunt. I got updates from the nurse and the main doctor and hung out for a while. They had let me know they wanted to do another bronchoscopy to try and clear out his lungs, check for signs of pneumonia and also to get a sample to see if there was an...

I chose to not go to the hospital early today. I did another 12.5 hours there yesterday and I'm exhausted. When you've been there through as many shift changes as I have, you start to understand why everyone keeps telling you to take care of yourself, even as you look at them in disbelief. How is that supposed to happen? How are you supposed to be there to see rounds? To question the medication changes, the plans if you're not there? And on the same hand how does your laundry get done, or bills paid or your hair washed if you don't take the time to stay away for a few hours? I'm not sure yet because I tend to do everything with a force of a tornado pushed by a hurricane. I'll figure it out eventually. Yesterday I knew I'd hit a wall so I told Dad I was coming in late today. I needed to do laundry, make calls and wash my hair. So today will, hopefully, be productive at home and not just a hospital day. I'll still worry all morning and feel this draw to le...

I spent 12.5 hours at the hospital today. My first interaction began at 4am when the nurse called to give me report on my dad's status. He had a really rough night. And once I was up, I may as well stay up, so I got ready and headed down. While on my way I got another call letting me know they were taking him down to CT. I lost count midway through the day how many tests and procedures he had done today. I will tell you that when I left, his vitals were stable, all 6 of his drains were operational, I witnessed my first NG tube placement today and I got to be a patient advocate. I also am a pro at mouth swabs and suctioning the moisture from the mouth swabs. I also know where all of the linens are kept, can wipe down faces like a pro and can stand my ground even when witnessing someone I love in pain or under duress. Nothing tests your strength or your fortitude quite like necessity, but I'm grateful for every second that I am here. That I am able to be here and stand and re...

Yesterday would have been my Mom and Dad's 42nd wedding anniversary. And it was rough. I think it ended up being even tougher than Mother's Day. That may have been because it was so close to Mother's Day. It may have been because it was the first time I visited my mom's grave since the funeral. But it was a really, really rough day. I did my daily hospital visit to Dad. They had to do trach care while I was there, which can be hard to witness. While I was there, he told the respiratory guy I was the boss. And that he had just lost his other boss, which of course set off the faucet. Then he told me he needed me to do something for him. He asked me to please go buy flowers and put them on Mom's grave for him. They needed to be from him. This doesn't seem like much, unless you know my dad. He almost never bought my mom flowers. It was a running joke in our family. If dad bought my mom flowers, it was because he had done something massive. In fact, the one time th...

I went to a cookout over the weekend to hang out with some of dad's motorcycle club brothers and sisters. I mostly went to escape. I needed a break from the hospital, from the questions, from the bills and the medications, the tears and the "how are you?" And it was wonderful. My face hurt from laughing. If you need a break, hanging out with military vets and their families is a helluva way to have a good time. I even survived Mother's Day. I broke down reading messages sent to me while sitting in the waiting room at the hospital. Tears just started streaming down my face while I was waiting to go back in and see Dad after his dressing change. There happened to be three lovely women sitting in there with me who noticed and they gave me the best hugs. They were kind as could be and talked with me a little while and I managed to pull myself back together before I went back in to see Dad again. Other than that, I managed to keep it together pretty well. I went to a bru...

Tomorrow is Mother's Day. Mother's Day has been a hard one for me for the last 8 years anyway. For anyone who doesn't know, I experienced the loss of three pregnancies and I already have mixed emotions about the day. But I push through them when this day rolls around every year. I now have three stepdaughters so I push through harder, because none of my grief or anger is their fault. And honestly, unless you've experienced such loss, you'll never truly understand the loss of what could have been.  This year is different though. Because just a few days ago I lost my mom suddenly. So this year I'm grieving and I'm grieving hard. One of our family friends equated the loss of a strong and loving mom to the loss of your North Star. I could never have put it so eloquently myself, but it was the most accurate description I've heard. I am the luckiest woman in the world to have been able to call her mom. And I was the last person to speak with her before she c...