A Red Gown
I haven’t wanted to write in months. I’m not sure I want to now, but I need to do so. I want to buy a fancy, red, lacy gown. I want to pay someone to make my face and my hair sexy and take photographs that will suddenly allow me to embrace this body. I walked a 5k today. I’ve closed all of the rings on my watch since Monday. I stopped exercising for 6 months. Gave up on eating well. I gained all of my weight back plus and extra 10 lbs. So I work out again. Try to make better meal choices. Push my body to do more, faster. Daily weigh ins for 6 days. Such small, incremental changes. I want to rush this as much I want to rush everything. A list and a task that can be crossed off. A hit of dopamine. Did you know you get a hit of dopamine every time you achieve a goal? That’s what I’ve been told. It’s addicting. A drug that exists inside your own body free for the taking. I took a nap today and woke up in tears. I was dreaming of my mom. Hugging my mom and awoke drowning in saltwate