Tangled Grrl

 Y'all I am NOT in the Christmas spirit. I am cranky. Yesterday was a gloriously beautiful day. My perfect kind of day. Sunny but not eye searing sunny. Breezy and chilly. The kind of day that lets you mix sneakers and wool accessories and be comfortable. But I was at work so I worked. Then came home and did what felt like a zillion household chores. I had made a to do list on my lunch break. And it made me more than a little cranky. I've been asked what I want for Christmas. What do I want for Christmas? I want a maid. I want to come home and my dishes to magically already be clean. I want laundry to not be sitting in the dryer or in baskets in the laundry room. I want the clutter to already be organized and put away. I want space for bookshelves. I want to not have decision fatigue and it rear its ugly head when I'm asked yet again what the plan is for dinners this week.  Adulting is hard. And yet I'm beyond lucky to have a roof over my head and a job to go to every d...

 My primary coping mechanism is Compartmentalizing. My conscious mind is full of neat little shapes that fit the areas of my life. Family occupies their shape, friends have theirs, work has another, the books I read have their own area, my crafts another, emotions that belong solely to me have another that is somewhere in the middle. There are other areas I'm probably forgetting. The borders are not thick and impenetrable. There are air holes allowing some crossover. If I picture what this would look like to an outsider it's somewhere between a Zentangle and a Tetris board.  During my normal day to day life, I jump back and forth between these areas, problem solving and feeling and planning. But if I have to focus on one or the other I tend to do my best to shove the other areas back in their predetermined spaces so I deal with the area in front of my face. If I need to work through a problem, I like to do mindless tasks so my brain can untangle problems. I knit or clean or or...

I'm supposed to be getting ready to go to bed. I have to get up early and deal with the rental car that is the fall out of the destroyed tire that was 2019's parting gift to me. Instead I was struck with inspiration. Inspiration always wins out over common sense. I'm not a resolutions type of person. I fall flat in a matter of hours with those stupid things. It feels too much like someone else telling me what to do even though I'm the one who made them. And as soon as I feel too restricted I feel an overwhelming urge to rebel. Also resolutions always feel typical. Sure I could stand to lose weight - but that's not something I'm overly interested in doing. And if people don't want to be around me because I have too many chins or extra rolls around my middle they aren't exactly the type of person I really want to be associated with anyway. I'm a thematic person. I like the idea of choosing a word of the year, or a theme. I'm pretty sure last ye...

I was thinking while in the shower this morning. I don't know about you, but most of my best, and craziest ideas, come to me while I'm in the shower. Maybe because it's such a routine and mundane task. Or because it's near impossible to multi-task while doing it. Or there's something spiritual about the water or something. But I was thinking about marriage. And my marriage specifically. I woke up this morning after being exhausted yesterday and then not being able to fall asleep. I went to bed and was stuck in that weird state where you're too tired to get up and do anything but you're too awake to actually sleep. My fellow insomniacs can relate. So when I woke up, my husband mentioned he heard me listening to videos on my iPad while trying to get sleepy enough to fall asleep. And then asked if I was going to try to craft myself into exhaustion again today. And I suggested an adventure instead. For those of you who don't know, I'm a bit of a home...

It's been a little while since I've posted any kind of update. I've been in a bit of a blah place lately. We've had some changes on the home front and I've been trying to keep my mind in a decent place. I managed to stay employed, which I think I shared. And I am working on getting adjusted to the new role. The husband has had some changes in his job, and that has caused some financial changes for us, which is just adding insult to injury after everything else this year. But like everything else I face, I'm doing my best to face this too head on. I've learned over the years that I have a tendency to cope with hardship in different ways, some of them healthier than others. Right now I'm struggling a little because I'd like to indulge in retail therapy, but that is absolutely a no go. So I'm digging through my older wardrobe (handy since the weather is changing rapidly and I have an excuse to dig out fall apparel) instead of going out to buy new ...

I chose to not go to the hospital early today. I did another 12.5 hours there yesterday and I'm exhausted. When you've been there through as many shift changes as I have, you start to understand why everyone keeps telling you to take care of yourself, even as you look at them in disbelief. How is that supposed to happen? How are you supposed to be there to see rounds? To question the medication changes, the plans if you're not there? And on the same hand how does your laundry get done, or bills paid or your hair washed if you don't take the time to stay away for a few hours? I'm not sure yet because I tend to do everything with a force of a tornado pushed by a hurricane. I'll figure it out eventually. Yesterday I knew I'd hit a wall so I told Dad I was coming in late today. I needed to do laundry, make calls and wash my hair. So today will, hopefully, be productive at home and not just a hospital day. I'll still worry all morning and feel this draw to le...

I spent 12.5 hours at the hospital today. My first interaction began at 4am when the nurse called to give me report on my dad's status. He had a really rough night. And once I was up, I may as well stay up, so I got ready and headed down. While on my way I got another call letting me know they were taking him down to CT. I lost count midway through the day how many tests and procedures he had done today. I will tell you that when I left, his vitals were stable, all 6 of his drains were operational, I witnessed my first NG tube placement today and I got to be a patient advocate. I also am a pro at mouth swabs and suctioning the moisture from the mouth swabs. I also know where all of the linens are kept, can wipe down faces like a pro and can stand my ground even when witnessing someone I love in pain or under duress. Nothing tests your strength or your fortitude quite like necessity, but I'm grateful for every second that I am here. That I am able to be here and stand and re...

Here's the TL:DR Dad had his reconstruction surgery, he survived, I dealt with crazy people and nice ones in the waiting room and I cried in a store. Dad went down for surgery this morning around 7:30am and they told me it would take approximately two hours. As we all know, surgery times are approximations and often don't mean much of anything. I had knitting so I wasn't concerned. I was also alone, so I knew I could get up and go for a walk or grab food when and if I felt like it. It was basically my ideal waiting situation. As I settled in, knitting my sock, a very kind gentleman asked me if I was knitting a sock. We ended up having a lovely conversation and we were shortly joined by the rest of his family. They were also lovely. Then the curse of my mother and I hit me. Maybe it was my mom just getting a laugh from the other side. Because the worst companion to ever descend upon me joined us in the waiting room. The woman who proceeds to tell you her entire life story,...

I went to a cookout over the weekend to hang out with some of dad's motorcycle club brothers and sisters. I mostly went to escape. I needed a break from the hospital, from the questions, from the bills and the medications, the tears and the "how are you?" And it was wonderful. My face hurt from laughing. If you need a break, hanging out with military vets and their families is a helluva way to have a good time. I even survived Mother's Day. I broke down reading messages sent to me while sitting in the waiting room at the hospital. Tears just started streaming down my face while I was waiting to go back in and see Dad after his dressing change. There happened to be three lovely women sitting in there with me who noticed and they gave me the best hugs. They were kind as could be and talked with me a little while and I managed to pull myself back together before I went back in to see Dad again. Other than that, I managed to keep it together pretty well. I went to a bru...

I don't know about you, but I've fully fallen down the rabbit hole of planning. I have tried just about every planner I could get my hands on, but I think I've finally found a system that has brought me true planner peace! I've actually bought my third hobonichi cousin, which is a Japanese A5 planner. I use this primarily for work. I love the ability to use the pages for journaling, to do lists, notes about projects, etc. Then there are the monthly pages which allow for just enough room to write in, without feeling as though there is too much wasted space. And then even weekly pages that allow for timelines or to do lists as well. The semi blank pages, but overall structure is ideal for work situations. I can just flip to the right page and jot down a note or a meeting quickly on the dedicated space. It allows for quite a bit of customization! I think my favorite part of it is the paper. The tomoe river paper is so very thin, but very fountain pen friendly. The thin...

I don't subscribe much to New Years Resolutions. I'm a bigger fan of a word of the year, or a theme I pick for myself. I've done themes like being Furiously Happy or New Adventures. Those have always worked so much better for me. This year I'm using the word Possibility. I've made so many changes in my life in the last two years that I sometimes get sucked into things without considering, or looking for, new possibilities. This year is all about keeping my eyes, and options, open. I've started doing some sample knits for designer friends of mine, I'm working on doing computer work from home and also intermittently still working as a contractor for a company I've been employed or contracted with for almost 7 years. I'm also keeping an eye out and an open mind regarding other avenues of income. Last year I got a tattoo that a friend of mine drew for me. It's a line drawing of mountains with the word Fearless. It's not meant to advertise that I ...

Today is Day 11 of my 30 Day Challenge. And it's the first day that I have felt unmotivated. I read The Miracle Morning by Hal Elrod a couple of weeks ago after hearing and seeing a lot of posts on Instagram and videos on YouTube about the life changing effects for so many people. I decided to give it a go myself. I started by looking up Hal Elrod and came across some of his talks on YouTube. I watched a couple of them, then picked up the book. I'm in a transition period right now in my life. I'm still working in Ohio through the week, even though I moved to Indiana after getting married at the beginning of the year. I'm at the point now where I'm researching alternate career paths so that I can find a job closer to home. I want to be able to spend more time with my husband and stepdaughters. I figured this is the best time to really concentrate on personal development. The better my mindset, the more open I am to opportunities, the better my chances are of findin...

I have spent the last few years struggling with my health. I finally found out that most of my issues are because I have something called Hypermobility Syndrome. It means my collagen is faulty, which affects the entire rest of my body. Scientists and doctors are all still working on figuring out all of the details. I spent a lot of time sitting on my ass while feeling like crap. I also only ate food that was easily obtainable or that was cooked for me. I finally went to physical therapy at the end of 2016, which helped a ton. And I have tried really hard to be more active. Now that I'm moving around more, I decided that I need to start paying more attention to what I'm eating. I've done so much research into different diets and meal plans, etc. What I have figured out is that my GI symptoms seem to be exacerbated heavily by eating meat. So for the last few weeks I've been trying to be more conscious of my diet. And by diet, I simply mean the food I'm eating. I dec...