We Are All Tired But It's OK

 I woke up this morning and I just feel tired. Tired in my bones. I'm on another quarantine. And I'm here to tell you that I'm straight out over it.

I'm a homebody by nature. My hobbies and interests are primarily solitary activities that require no social interaction. I like nothing better than reading a good book or crafting something with yarn or thread. I have a stash of crafting supplies that is almost embarrassing. I have the luxury of being able to work from home when needed. So when one of my children got sick, I was exposed to her and we are waiting on test results and a quarantine was decided to be the best bet - it's not really that big of a deal, right? Well you would think not. Except the second I'm told I can't, or shouldn't do something, my desire to be contrary rises to the surface and all of a sudden I come up with eleventy billion reasons to leave my house. It's like that teenage rebellion was never completely squelched.

I've done this whole thing a few times now though, so I set up a contactless grocery pickup since I don't live close enough to the city for delivery. I ran out of stamps - I ordered them online. I talked myself out of needless retail therapy. Set up a pick-up/drop-off of documents at the office that didn't require me going inside. Got some of that need-to-leave out of my system, right?

Except I'm tired. Tired of quarantines. Tired of being afraid to touch people. Tired of trying to stay away from people. Tired of feeling like closeness is wrong. Tired of political nastiness. Tired of uncertainty. Tired of not seeing my family in other states. Tired of missing friends all over the country. Tired of missing out on events and gatherings. Tired of trying to connect over video chats and text messaging and phone calls. Tired of pretending virtual conversations replace hugs and face to face interactions. Tired of adulting and making decisions like I know the answers when I don't have the slightest clue if this is the right call or not. Tired of not being able to see people's faces. Y'all I'm tired. I'm tired to the core of my being. 

I thought 2019 was a kick in my heart, soul and ass. Then 2020 came around and said, "We're not done yet!" I'm not commenting on necessity of any of these things. I am not going to get into what is smart or dumb. Or whether the politics are smart or dumb. I'm talking about the emotional and mental strain of walking this path over the last 16 months or so. Because this shit is hard and it sucks. And to pretend anything else is a lie.

I know I'm spiraling when I can't focus. When I can't convince myself to go get in the shower and wash my hair. When I stare at the pile of dirty dishes, but I can't seem to actually wash them. When I look at my phone to call a friend or family member, but instead I start scrolling through social media. When I can look around my house - see the hot mess and the list of tasks I should be making to start tackling, but go sit on the couch in the same pajamas I've been wearing for two days and binge watch reality tv on Netflix instead. When I finally realize I'm doing these things instead of just doing them - then I know I'm going to be ok. 

Sometimes I need to stay in my funk a little while. I need to let the not ok me settle. I need that foggy cloud to drift around a bit. I need to remember I'm human and I'm never going to have it all together. Reality tv shows are ok when you're stuck in your own mess. Documentaries will still be there when your brain is back in place again. And if reality tv is your safe place all of the time - that's ok too. 

Today my goal is to make a list. I'm going to get three things on it crossed off. They might just be shower, do the dishes and take out the trash, but that's still something. Maybe I'll be ok enough to pick up a book, or knitting, or another craft today. 

I hope that where ever you are, physically, mentally and emotionally, you are ok. And if you're not - give yourself some grace. And if you can't do that, reach the hell out. This world is a damn disaster full of some messed up nonsense - but it would be far uglier without your light in it.


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