So.Much.Crying
I cried at work today. That sums up this week better than anything else I can say. Yesterday I woke up at the time I normally leave for work. Somehow I still managed to make it on time. Today I woke up on time, but got stuck in absolutely atrocious construction traffic and ended up clocking in 16 minutes later than I'm supposed to. For the past week I've been fighting my summer time headache and nerve pain. For whatever reason, I have been getting atrocious nerve pain as soon as the temperature starts to stay in the 80's. Instead of it starting gradually and building to numbness down my left arm in a few weeks or months, it got to that point in one day this year. That's been my companion for almost a week.
I've been back at work for not quite three full weeks. I still am trying to figure out what I'm doing again. I barely knew what I was doing before I left. Yesterday I screwed up, and someone pointed it out to me, rather forcefully. So I went to one of the supervisors and asked for help in making sure I don't continue to screw up. But I would be lying if I didn't admit that remark hurt.
The truth is I'm trying to do a lot right now. And I'm not succeeding at a damn thing. So I'm trying. And that's all I can do.
And I cried at work today. Because a coworker asked how I was. And I responded that it was another day in paradise. And I don't think I was convincing enough because she asked if I was lying and I responded, "Probably." She asked if there was anything she could help me with and I told her nope. And when she walked away, the tears started. And I'm pretty sure I was tearing up off and on for the next hour. Because these things I'm struggling with? I just have to keep pushing through.
Because this part sucks. I'm hundreds of miles away from my best friends. I'm working at a new job with people I like, but still barely know. I barely see my husband, who works opposite shifts from me. My family all lives hundreds of miles away. My dad is still at an inpatient rehab facility. My mom is gone. I'm dealing with physical pain and don't have doctors set up here yet. And any one of these things is difficult. But all of them? At once? It's hard. And some days, some weeks, it's even harder.
And most of the time, I physically can't talk about it. I can barely live it. I know I could call someone. Or text someone. Or email someone. But I don't have the words. When I do, I normally type them, or write them. They come so much easier to me that way. And the only other way the emotions seem to escape anymore is through tears, which pisses me off more than I can begin to explain. I'm not a crier. I think crying is annoying. I have a very short list of things that I deem to be cry-able offenses. Ask my old coworkers. They can tell you how uncomfortable crying people are to me. And now I am one! I at least find comfort in the fact that I'm primarily crying over the loss of my mother, which was always on my list of acceptable reasons to cry.
This is probably the most convoluted blog I've written yet. Because I'm exhausted, emotionally drained and frustrated with myself. But tomorrow is Friday. And I'm heading to Ohio after work to see friends and family. This weekend is the benefit and poker run for Dad. And I'll get to see so many people I love. And hopefully the crying can be kept to a minimum. I'm so over it.
I've been back at work for not quite three full weeks. I still am trying to figure out what I'm doing again. I barely knew what I was doing before I left. Yesterday I screwed up, and someone pointed it out to me, rather forcefully. So I went to one of the supervisors and asked for help in making sure I don't continue to screw up. But I would be lying if I didn't admit that remark hurt.
The truth is I'm trying to do a lot right now. And I'm not succeeding at a damn thing. So I'm trying. And that's all I can do.
And I cried at work today. Because a coworker asked how I was. And I responded that it was another day in paradise. And I don't think I was convincing enough because she asked if I was lying and I responded, "Probably." She asked if there was anything she could help me with and I told her nope. And when she walked away, the tears started. And I'm pretty sure I was tearing up off and on for the next hour. Because these things I'm struggling with? I just have to keep pushing through.
Because this part sucks. I'm hundreds of miles away from my best friends. I'm working at a new job with people I like, but still barely know. I barely see my husband, who works opposite shifts from me. My family all lives hundreds of miles away. My dad is still at an inpatient rehab facility. My mom is gone. I'm dealing with physical pain and don't have doctors set up here yet. And any one of these things is difficult. But all of them? At once? It's hard. And some days, some weeks, it's even harder.
And most of the time, I physically can't talk about it. I can barely live it. I know I could call someone. Or text someone. Or email someone. But I don't have the words. When I do, I normally type them, or write them. They come so much easier to me that way. And the only other way the emotions seem to escape anymore is through tears, which pisses me off more than I can begin to explain. I'm not a crier. I think crying is annoying. I have a very short list of things that I deem to be cry-able offenses. Ask my old coworkers. They can tell you how uncomfortable crying people are to me. And now I am one! I at least find comfort in the fact that I'm primarily crying over the loss of my mother, which was always on my list of acceptable reasons to cry.
This is probably the most convoluted blog I've written yet. Because I'm exhausted, emotionally drained and frustrated with myself. But tomorrow is Friday. And I'm heading to Ohio after work to see friends and family. This weekend is the benefit and poker run for Dad. And I'll get to see so many people I love. And hopefully the crying can be kept to a minimum. I'm so over it.
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